I have to start somewhere...

So Life has been kinda crazy lately... that's an understatement. Life is crazy. Not just my life but everyone's. Recently (probably in the last hour or so,) I've realized i need to stop feeling sorry for myself. My life isn't perfect, but i made it that way. I'm tired, so are alot of other people.

I called my blog (it's kinda wierd to say I have a blog...) learning to rely because I think that's been the story of my lafe the last month or two... I've tried to rely on so many thing. My Family when I was young, Myself as i grew up and recently as I've wanted to be "independant" (ha.) And most recently my boyfriend (I'm sorry.) No one deserves to have that kind of pressure put on them. Now that I've realized all of these people (especially myself) will let me down, i've come to the conclusion that I need to rely on God.

No that's not the end of my blog.

You see this is not a new revelation. no. I've come to this conclusion many many times before... I say i'm going to stick to this and get to know the God who loves me and saves me daily from myself... I've said that. oh and it will go great for some time... and then i'll forget about my bible... It'll sit in my car getting sun-bleached or on the floor in a pile with my socks and other crap (there's so much stuff on my floor i'm amazed i ever find my bible.

Why does He love me? He shouldn't... I wouldn't love someone like me that's is for sure!

This is where i have been over the last few months (there's more but I can't write that much so I'll leave moy story here.)

They painted up your secrets
With the lies they told to you
And the least they ever gave you
Was the most you ever knew

And I wonder where these dreams go
When the world gets in your way
What's the point in all this screaming
No one's listening anyway

Your voice is small and fading
And you hide in here unknown
And your mother loves your father
'Cause she's got nowhere to go

And she wonders where these dreams go
'Cause the world got in her way
What's the point in ever trying
Nothing's changing anyway

They press their lips against you
And you love the lies they say
And I tried so hard to reach you
But you're falling anyway

And you know I see right through you
When the world gets in your way
What's the point in all this screamin'
You're not listening anyway
-Goo Goo Dolls

Sometimes I feel like this (not the part about your mother and youre father... btw mom.) Why do I lose my hope so quickly when things don't go my way... I 'm not focusing on the God who loved me and gave his life so I can live...

I love the lies of this world. they make me feel beautiful for a time and then when someone see's right through my front (saving face...) everything crumbles...

sorry if this whole thing was super scatter-brained... (i need to work on my writing.)